Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Makings of a Mama

Before becoming a mother I never thought of myself as a "baby person." I had never changed a diaper. I had never nannied. I'd never felt my only life's purpose and goal was to be a mommy. I'm a night owl and relied on sleep in the mornings since I rarely go to sleep before 1AM.  I loved my alone time. I'm an artist after all, and artists need solitude in order to produce work. I always knew I wanted kids but I was scared of how drastically my fabulous life would change. I didn't believe all those crazy mommies at parties who always laid it on thick about how amazing motherhood was. Little did I know, they were indeed telling the truth!!  Motherhood has changed me in ways that I cannot describe.

My Mom always said, "when you have your own child, you will know a love that you've never known before." She was right, which is no surprise because she's right most of the time. :) When my son was born a part of me was born that I never knew existed. I became the woman I was always meant to be. Nothing else mattered any longer besides this sweet baby who lived and breathed around my very existence. As a newborn, nursing and soothing him whenever he needed and wanted became my only purpose. Sleep was non-existent. My own needs meant nothing. 

The perfect size zero body which once had belonged to me and that I'd taken great pains to maintain now had only one purpose; nurturing and feeding my child. Fat rolls and thick thighs had replaced my hard abs and model skinny legs. I donned pajamas, robes, sweat pants and tee shirts all day instead of designer dresses, skinny jeans and beautiful blouses. I wore slippers instead of four inch heels. Showering every few days became my new norm and I no longer had the time or energy to bother with perfume or makeup. My baby needed me every second and for the short periods that he'd sleep I became consumed with doing research in order to voraciously soak up every single piece of information I could find on babies, breastfeeding, mothering, parenting and the like. 

There is nothing I can compare to mothering my baby. Nothing in life has been as astoundingly meaningful for me. Nothing else I've experienced in life has caused me to shed so many tears of pure, utter exasperating joy. Every sweet breathe Xander softly breathed while sleeping on me or next to me when he was a little baby (and wouldn't sleep anywhere but on my chest) was like a kiss from God. It was as if God was whispering through my baby's breathe "this is the miracle of life, let us relish in our creation." 

I became a babywearing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding mama overnight. Being a Mommy just felt SO NATURAL to me. When Xander was born I felt completed. Every day I live with him, every poopy diaper I change, every cry I soothe, every hunger pain I satiate, every smile we share, every laugh in which we relish, every glance we all knowingly communicate through, every feeling we acknowledge through looks, smiles and baby talk and every kiss we savor has become the highlight of my life. I love him more, and more, and more with each bright day. 

Thus began my love affair with my sweet baby. After the past eleven months it seems as though Xander, Kyri and I have been together forever. We have become a perfect family unit. I couldn't imagine life without my sweet angel and am very lucky to have a husband who is such an amazing and loving daddy. Life before Xander seems almost a moot point. The past eleven and half months have gone by faster than any year in my life. I cannot believe my baby will be one in three weeks. Breastfeeding him for almost a year (and going strong) has been the greatest joy, accomplishment, commitment and bonding experience of my life. 

The most amazing part though, is that I know this is how every mother feels. It is the most universally astounding thing we all share. Rich/poor, thin/fat, country/city, red state/blue state, creative/corporate or...from Beverly Hills. :) It doesn't matter. We all love unconditionally. We all give endlessly. We are mothers. 


  1. I made the mistake of looking at pictures of myself from just after high school and feeling so bad that I wasn't 120 lbs anymore, all my awards and pictures of friends in college. I felt bad that I didn't finish my career but then I look at my beautiful daughter and touch my growing belly and know that taking this time off to be with them is so worth it! I can always get back in shape and finish college and go on with my career but I can never get back all of their little moments of growth and acomplishments. I love being a stay at home mom!

    1. Thanks for writing!! I couldn't agree with you more regarding the pictures! Pictures and old clothes. That's why I literally put my entire size 0 wardrobe in the basement. Out of sight, out of mind! :)

      You sound like an AMAZING mama and I think it's wonderful you started young! I wish I had started younger but all my neck surgeries prevented me from doing so. Enjoy every moment. The rest will come. You can always go back to school when your daughter is in school.

      Take good care and keep in touch! :)

      xxx Marika